Reflection 1

this past weekend was labor day weekend here in the states. for me, it was a great time to relax and go catch up on life outside of the office. i got a lot of things done, and i felt that it was a really productive weekend. also, i found out that some old things never die out, and i’ve begun to question myself again about what i believe in.

i think that there are times when i can totally forget about anything other than what i see right in front of me with my own two eyes. other times, i find myself gazing off into nothing, trying to find something to look for. maybe it’s something i’m missing? have you ever felt that sudden moment of being lost and almost drowning in the silence of uncertainty? i definitely experienced that this weekend. i was put into an unfamiliar situation, no i elected myself to enter that situation, but i found that it really wasn’t so bad. in fact, i think it was relatively soothing and calming.

maybe there’s something about having a common connection with a great many people. something that you all look up to and aspire to be. an idea. a greater power. i think it’s just human nature, and we are all constantly seeking something to keep our heads held high and legs forever walking. it might take a bit getting used to, this new situation, but i think i should give it a try for a while and see if it’s really something that can refocus my gaze towards the right direction. i’m not saying that i have been going down a path of wrongness, no definitely not that. what i am saying is that it’s an opportunity for me to refocus my energy and mind towards a different path, towards a potentially self-rewarding path.

totally separate from this is another situation i had faced this weekend. sometimes old memories die out, and you think they’re gone forever. this is almost never the case, and it didn’t escape me this time either. i almost didnt know what to do, didn’t know if i was seeing things.

for the past couple of times, there had been a distance, almost like a tense hesitation. this time was different, so completely different. it was as if almost nothing had changed, though a bit of formalism lingered in the air. i don’t quite know what to make of it. is it just old times swelling back up for another round of emotion? or is it a new start ready for a clean beginning? or is it something that just doesn’t exist, and i’m imagining it all?

it seemed as if i could almost reach out and touch it, but it just seemed to elude me. each time. maybe it isn’t meant to be, but what if it was? do things happen for a reason? isn’t that something that we’re all made to believe and live by? i want to believe in it, and i want to know what happens. but that’s like peeking at the ending of a book before you’ve even got through the first couple of paragraphs. i should be patient and preserve these memories that i do have and cherish them. they’re mine to share, and in sharing, i can find peace and joy.

close your eyes and breathe deep. remember the tingling sensation of the air at that very moment. remember that very final touch, and you can understand what i mean. was it coincidence or something more? you just don’t know for sure. maybe it would be better to keep it that way, but then again maybe it would turn out for the  better to try again. to reach out and call out, shout out and say, “i’m here”. to whisper the truth is what we should do.

and i shall.


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